Into the Woods

I dreamt I finally arrived in New York.

But to get there I had to traverse the woods.
I had been told the path was straight
And I thought I remembered traveling it before.
But it was dark now.
And the trees spindly from what I could tell
With my LED flashlight shining barely two feet in front of me.
The path dividing again and again.

In literature and legend
To travel the wood,
What seems an outward journey,
Is actually a journey inward.
Into the subconscious
Through which possibilities for transformation
Present themselves.

The shadows of the wood
Representing the hidden places
Within ourselves.
The wolves and witches
Our shadow selves.
All our hidden fears and desires
Manifested.

New York is a month away
One month and 5 days.
I am no longer waiting.

From here to NY is more than just a plane ride.
It is more than waiting for the minutes, hours, days
To pass.

While the outward path is straight,
Inside- the path twists and bends.
A journey is necessary.
Torch in hand.
Exploring the woods,
Revealing what hides in the darkness.

Meditations. Affirmations.
Goals and routine.
Readying myself.
One never knows when the wolves will bite.
When witches will fly
Or paths divide.
The only thing one can do is prepare.

And that is why I have a month.


You go into the woods,
Where nothing's clear,
Where witches, ghosts
And wolves appear.
Into the woods
And through the fear,
You have to take the journey.
~ Stephen Sondheim "Into The Woods"

"The fairy tale journey may look like an outward trek across plains and mountains, through castles and forests, but the actual movement is inward, into the lands of the soul. The dark path of the fairy tale forest lies in the shadows of our imagination, the depths of our unconscious. To travel to the wood, to face its dangers, is to emerged transformed by this experience. Particularly for children whose world does not resemble the simplified world of television sit-coms ... this ability to travel inward, to face fear and transform it, is a skill they will use all their lives. We do children--and ourselves--a grave disservice by censoring the old tales, glossing over the darker passages and ambiguities..."
~Terri Windling, "White as Snow: Fairy Tales and Fantasy," in Snow White, Blood Red

Not yet a woman...

I look like a girl.

This stated to me, matter-a-factly, by a persun, self-proclaimed of that very gender- age 6, who would vote John McCain if she could.

Never mind the fact that I haven't shaved in a week. It's my sunglasses.

"They are boy sunglasses," I insist.

"No they aren't," is the response, short and quick.

Since they are slightly larger than the norm apparently allowed boys (or excuse me... *ahem*... men) I am hence forth to be referred to by girl gender status for lunch recesses unto eternity.

Not that I take offense. Girls can be very pretty.

Some other kids think I look like a spy when I wear them, especially with my high neck-collar pea coat, and they have taken to calling me "Mr. Mysterious".

I have even convinced a few others that I am actually blind when I wear them, and need their assistance to monitor the playground.

"Thank you," I respond in sincerity to the impressionable youth, 3/4 body length below. She peers up at me for several seconds, with a blank stare that somehow reads with confusion and slight disgust and then skips off carelessly, her mind already moving onto other exciting prospects and more cruel remarks to share.

As girls of that age are like to do.

(an old moment pulled up fresh from the archives-April 17, 2008)

Trials of a Meditating Mind

5 minutes-
I can do it.
Ready
and
Breathe.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
In.
Ou- Can I really sit here for 5 whole minutes?
That seems so long to be doing nothing.
Focus.
In.
Out
In- Wandering thoughts
Here they go.
Stomach aches
I need breakfast.
Didn't eat enough yesterday
Maybe I should get up and try again tomor-
No.
Focus on the breath.
In.
Out.
Let the thoughts go.
But what about the thoughts about the thoughts?
Or the thoughts about the thoughts about the thoughts?
Or the thoughts about the thoughts abou-
Downward spiral.
Come back.
Has it been 5 minutes yet?
Probably only two.
This isn't working.
Maybe I can write a blog about it.
No.
In- I need to learn to do this.
Out- Others do it.
In- Why can't I?
Out.
In.
Why does my head feel so big all of a sudden?
Cavernous.
Hello ('ello, 'ello, 'ello)
Anyone there? ('ere, 'ere, 'ere)
Remember the breath!
In.
O-
I have other things I need to do right now.
Maybe if I just open my eyes-
No. Stay in the moment.
In- I wonder if I'll make it to the gym today.
Out- not at this pace.
In- so hungry
Need food.
I give up.
6 minutes!

Two For The Price Of One

"`Cause one is the loneliest number that you'll ever do"

I've created another blog.

Look at me being all overachievy.

This blog you are reading now will, as stated below, be used to recount instances and moments in my life.

http://yourdailydoseof.blogspot.com : shall be used to waste more of my time... share wonderfulness that I have found on web.

Check it out :D

-Z

That's My New Philosophy

Such is my life.



(3 posts in the past hour. How productive am I!?)

The Uses of Not

A month back I took a "Create Your Own Performance" workshop.

The below is the end product of the 10 hour workshop. Poem and title borrowed (with much respect) from Tao Te Ching.



I'm hoping to rework it and then present it in October at an open mic type performance lab.

Waiting For Life to Begin

Stuck waiting.

1 1/2 months until NY.
I sit at home. Waiting.

Waiting for a sub position to open up in the schools so that I might make some money to pay the bills out East.
Waiting for a phone call so that I can meet a friend downtown who owes me money.
Waiting for details on potential bar tending job tonight.

I postpone plans to go the gym; to be productive. Instead I wait.

No one is sick apparently.
Friend has not called.
Job falls through.

It is now 4:33 and I have done nothing today but wait.

Of course those are all just excuses. The day would have been wasted regardless. It's so hard to get out and do anything when New York sits out in the distance behind a slight golden haze. A carrot on a stick leading me forward. Except I'm headed there regardless of what I do. The ticket has been bought. The date set. So what is there to work towards? Everything I do now is just biding time until the big move.

Part of me not really believing it is actually going to happen.
Part of me terrified that it will.

In the mean time I'm in limbo. The worst place to be.

Stuck waiting.